Friday, May 20, 2011

The End of the World is Nigh -- (Saturday at 6pm to be exact), Claims False Prophet

To let some old nutjub tell it, the earth will be struck with a massive earthquake at 6pm EST tomorrow and we all will die. Harold Camping, 89, an evangelical Christian minister, who spreads bullshit via a network on 66 radio stations and online broadcasts, says he calculated the date and time of "The Rapture" by adding up numbers in the Bible. This is the same false prophet who predicted the world would end in 1994. Maybe it's dementia, but after that event didn't pan out, Harold, whose organization rakes in more than $18 million a year in donations, was later forced to apologize and chalked up his timing to a mathematical error. This time he's recalibrated the end of the world to a precise day and time and says good Christians will ascend to Heaven while the rest of us will suffer through hell on earth until October 21, when an angry God will pull the plug on the planet once and for all, destroying everyone and everything. Wow, not only do these crazy people walk amongst us, they also vote and breed. Harold (pictured), because of your foresight, we've canceled our vacation plans (money we can now use to get pissy drunk) but we're mad that we won't be able to watch the season finale of Saturday Night Live. But for real, for real: If you're naive enough to believe Harold and the voices in his head, then you should have no problem signing over all of your assets to us today. Please and thank you.

NOTE: To learn the exact hour the rapture begins in your time zone, click here.

If you're believe you're going to be raptured, here's some pre-rapture etiquette.

Sidebar: If you see any naked Christians floating into the sky, take a photo and contact us immediately!!!

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