Friday, January 13, 2012

WATCH: Man Smuggles 10-Inch Handgun into Jail in His Butt. That is All.

In Onslow County, NC, a loose booty bottom, who's wanted for murder in Atlanta, Georgia, smuggled a .38 caliber handgun -- which measures 10 inches long -- in his rectum!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jailers say Michael Ward, 22, was thoroughly strip searched and went through the "squat and cough" procedure before he was placed into a holding cell. Obviously, they didn't do a thorough job, because the next day found the gun in the cell. People have tried to smuggle all sorts of things into jail, but this is absolutely the first we've heard of a firearm in the butt. Sidebar: The gun wasn't loaded. He should have a loads of fun behind bars, if you know what we mean -- and we think you do. How He Doin!

UPDATE, Jan. 16: Jailers ordered Michael undergo a medical exam to determine if he suffered any internal injuries during the smuggle-ation and -- SHOCKER! -- medical officials found no signs of injury. Yep, he's had a foreign object up there before. Ehaow!

OK, that is not all.....Meanwhile, in Louisiana, five donkeys are in jail after they tried to break into the Livingston Parish Detention Center over several days earlier this month. According to the sheriff, Lucretia Simmons, 40, Michael May, Jr., 22, Paul Clement, Jr., 20, John Mitchell Ballard, 20, and Haley Howze, 17, cut a hole in the prison fence in a attempt to sneak in cigarettes, Oxycontin, weed and cell phones. The five idiots are now behind bars all on $1 million bond.

In our ongoing coverage on why fast food joints are unsafe for life, comes this video of a mouse stuck in a bag of McDonald's hamburger buns at a restaurant in Philadelphia. Yep, those buns used to make Big Macs were then served to customers. Umm, umm, good. Sidebar Does this store get their bread from the UK? (This store is located at 2211 Stenton Ave.)

A 46-year-old crazy person named Polly Beltramo of Palo Alto, California is charged with child abuse after she bit two children at a place called a "bookstore."

Speaking of crazy people, a woman says Rishelle Whitcomb threatened to stab her with a hypodermic needle during a carjacking in Concord, Massachusetts.

Absolute chaos broke out in China today as the iPhone 4S was set to be released. We guess pastors are now gonna call for Apple to lower its prices.

A Storm Lake, Indiana man is jailed after performing DIY abortion on his ex-girlfriend. Police say Yoirlan Tome-Rojas, 31, secretly administered medications into the woman that caused her to have miscarriage. The woman contacted police on Wednesday, saying the incidents happened at least twice, the latest on Dec. 16. Yoirian also faces sexual assault charges for pushing the woman when she confronted him.

John Wynne was arrested Monday for choking an Australian black swan in an Orlando park.

Mold? What mold? That's what school officials are telling students and parents at one Memphis high school. Shockingly, it's not the same school where every teacher is jumping off with at least one student.


Will you cut your car in half with a hacksaw for a pair or NFL playoff tickets? Dan Wall did. (Sidebar: The car was a 1997 Volvo S 90.)

Sh*t homophobic people say.

Sh*t weather people say.

I. Just. Can't. CAN EFFIN' NOT!!!

Bryan Lessard, a researcher from Australia's Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organization came upon a nw species of horse flies while working on his PhD in Ensenada, Chile. He's decided to name it Scaptia beyonceae -- after legend and new mom Mrs Beyoncé Carter. He decided to name the horse fly after the singer because they both have a golden butt -- and apparently, they both taste like honey.

While most of us having difficulty paying our mortgage refinance or apply for a loan modification -- others, like Stephanie J. Blair, 26, of Sugar Hill, Georgia, opt for different route. Jewels! A Kmart employee admitted to stealing $12,000 worth of jewelry from the store to help pay her mortgage.

It's only a matter of time now before Matt Shulam's dogs kill someone and he'll still be clueless.

A 14-year-old girl named "Ashley" is being investigated after police say she brought prescription pills to her Tempe, Arizona middle school and gave them to five classmates. Two of the students began vomiting and sought treatment from the school nurse.

FOLLOW-UP: A few days ago we posted a video of a group of black girls beating up a 14-year-old white girl on a Portland, Oregon train. Four people have since been arrested and they're all members of the same family -- including ex-con Selena Estell Harris, 38, who's the mother of the three others arrested. SMH.

This fella -- who lives at home with his mother -- certainly hate president Obama. Parfked in their front yard is a massive trailer emblazoned with anti-Obama statements. Neighbors want it out of their neighborhood, and the city agrees. But the homeowner says he has a constitutional right to have the trailer and wants an apology from the city. We'll see about that.

Sandy Sheffield butt-dialed 911 in Villa Rica, Georgia and gave the 911 dispatcher an earful. Sandy, 48, and another man were sitting in a car smoking weed and talking about it. The call was traced and cops swooped down on the car and arrested Sandy -- who was quiet alarmed.

In other news: A pregnant lady is behind bars today for attacking a man with a can of hairspray while shoplifting at a beauty supply store in Rock Hill, SC. Police say Alexis Sade Hayes, 23, attempted to steal several items from the store and placed them in her purse. When a male employee tried to stop her and grabbed the purse, she hit him in the head with a can of hairspray leaving him with a bleeding gash on his head. She dropped the purse and escaped. When she was pulled over a short time later, Alexis (pictured, below) told police she was just defending herself. During questioning, Alexis complained of abdominal pain and was taken to a local hospital, but was later arrested and charged with assault and robbery; She's being held on $25,000 bond. That poor, unborn baby.

And in sunshine state of Florida. A lesbian couple is behind bars after a fight over their relationship ended up into a sword fight. Let's get to the tea. According to police, Willette Pollock (pictured below, left) began arguing with Antanya Williams (pictured, right) inside their home when Antanya, 37, confronted 41-year-old Willette (we'll call her "Willie," for short) about her cheating on her with another woman. Antanya then jumped on "Willie" and began punching her. Willie was eventually able to escape and run to the garage -- to retrieve a sword! Willie began swinging the sword at Antanya, yelling, "Bitch, I am going to jail today because I'm gonna cut you!" Scared for her life, Antanya inside, locked the door, but could still hear Willie hitting the door with the sword. She won the fight. Willie suffered several scratches and a large bump on her head. Antanya was charged with domestic battery causing bodily harm and Willie was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

-- Have a great weekend. See ya back here Monday.--
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