Monday, August 23, 2010

Elin Officially Divorces Tiger Woods, Walks Away With Millions

Attention slags, skettles and skanks: As of this morning, Tiger Woods is officially single. Before we get to the cold Panama City, Fla. courtroom where Elin Nordegren -- accompanied by her EIGHT lawyers! -- joined Tiger and his lawyers to discuss the terms of their divorce settlement with a judge, let's go back to last Thanksgiving when the couple went nightclubbing. Elin had just found out that Tiger was cheating on her with as many as 120 whores. There were reports that she received a call from Tiger's main jumpoff and madam, Rachel Uchitel. Anyhoo, that confrontation led to the epic beatdown that left Tiger with broken bones and a bruised ego, but what they told police happened that night, just didn't add up. Tiger eventually checked himself into rehab, while Elin filed for divorce -- despite his public apology. We soon learned that Tiger got several of his jumpoffs pregnant and had at least two other kids. On July 4, they reached a settlement. They traveled 280 miles from their homes in Orlando to get a quickie divorce in Panama City, Fla. this morning. After 15 minutes, the divorce was final.

The terms of the divorce weren't revealed, but according to court documents the pair "signed a Marital Settlement Agreement well more than 20 days prior to" filing for divorce. In addition, Elin asked to change her name back to Elin Maria Pernilla Nordegren. For the six years of marriage and public humiliation which precipitated its demise, Elin could walk away with as much as $750 million in cash and prizes and she must never -- EVER! -- speak about the details of the settlement or about what exactly happened last November. The couple will share custody of their two children, Sam Alexis, 3, and Charlie Axel, 1. Included in the court papers with the divorce filing were certificates that showed that Tiger and Elin completed four-hour Florida parenting classes.

The former husband and wife, issued this joint statement: "We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future. While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us. Once we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure their future well-being. The weeks and months ahead will not be easy for them as we adjust to a new family situation, which is why our privacy must be a principal concern."

Let's hear it for Elin! She's the newest and wealthiest member of the First Wives Club.

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